Sunday

BUY MY STUFF! I know you heard me...

...and heard by your neigbour,
or neighbouring country.
Picture this: you’re watching an emotional drama on TV. A husband sits at the side of a hospital bed, looking into his wife’s eyes. She’s dying. The silence in the room speaks volumes about the depth of their devotion to each other. They both well up with tears as the wife whispers her final words of love to her dutiful husband. YOU begin to well up with tears at the thought of losing your own loved ones. Why is life so sad? As the scene ends, the screen fades to black. The program goes to commercial and a sad calm descends on your living room ...



BILLY MAYS HERE WITH ANOTHER UNSTOPPABLE OFFER FROM OXYCLEAN! I’M GOING TO YELL YOUR FUCKING EARS RIGHT OFF WITH MY BULLHORN SALES BARRAGE! THIS COMMERCIAL WAS FILMED USING NEW SOUND MAGNIFICATION TECHNOLOGY DEVELOPED BY THE MILITARY TO BURST THE EARDRUMS OF ENTRENCHED REBEL FORCES AND BRING THEM TO THEIR KNEES, BITCHES!
IS THAT THE SOUND OF THE SEVENTH SEAL BREAKING, AND THE TRUMPETING ARMIES OF THE LORD POURING FORTH FROM HEAVEN TO “RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES?” NOPE! JUST A COMMERCIAL COMING ON AT MAXIMUM VOLUME FOR MAXIMUM EFFECTIVENESS! THE MORE IT HURTS, THE MORE YOU BUY-

*mute*

Whoa. Ow. What the hell was that?

That, friends, was a commercial coming on at thrice the volume of the program you were watching. The best commercials have been known to strip the drywall off of house framing, not unlike a tornado, and to cause the fragile skulls of infants to burst from sonic force. This is why small children now wear helmets when watching TV, thus erasing the final helmetless activity available to children. What? Your kids don’t wear helmets 24 hours a day? For shame.

I can’t really understand why they come on so loud. It’s not an effective advertising technique - I just mute any commercial that is too loud. Instead of hearing their pitch at normal volume, I miss it completely. Maybe they’ve done a cost/benefit analysis and found that the losing the muters is made up for by the complete brain ownage that happens to the people leaving the commercial on. Or maybe they’re just following orders from the Dark Lord of Pain, who, after bathing in the sacrifice of millions of eardrums, grows stronger every day.

The good news is that our valiant federal government has taken action. On December 15, 2012, President Obama signed into law the CALM Act, which requires the FCC to get commercial volumes under control. The FCC is currently going through the commenting process on its proposed rules, and must issue a rule by December 15, 2011. This is a great Christmas present from our pals on the Hill.

A functioning democracy would be nice, but I’ll accept this token for now.

Find more from this writer at www.ericjokinen.com.

No comments:

Post a comment

Respond? - it's a predominantly un-moderated forum - within reason BUT in order to avoid a lengthy moderation process a profile needs selecting.

Want to be anonymous? Just select 'Anonymous' from the 'Comment as' menu, and you'll be asked for nothing more.

Got a blog? Use the Name/Url function (or whatever rubs your backlinking Buddha).

Rant on people, rant on.

Hyper Smash