The Coming Apocalypse is Your Fault.

I'd do a salmon mousse joke, but this guy
might sue for copyright infringement...
Instilled in every single human being on this great and wondrous planet is the Divine Spark of Creativity. This is our Creator-given gift that allows us to build and create not only what we need for our physical survival: tools, houses, and clothing. But also gives us the power to create the things we need to enrich our souls: music, cinema, books, porn, television, and videos of cats on YouTube.

But this Spark is under attack right beneath your very nose, and you’re too lazy and complacent to stop the coming Apocalypse.

As a cynic and atheist I would be the least likely voice in the darkness calling for the protection of the Spark, but we do not choose our destinies.

Today I was listening to the radio, as anyone is wont to do when in the car, and I could no longer distinguish one song from another.

As a (informal) student of the arts, this was distressing. 

Three songs came on, and I honestly could not tell when one ended and the other began. But this was only the beginning of my trials. Three more times I was tested with Arts of Man displayed before me, but not a one of them possessed the Spark of the Creator. They were hollow.

It felt as though my soul was being removed from me. But then it happened. A light went off in my head and it made everything come into focus. And it was as though the Celestial Chorus sang down from on high to guide me in my new destiny: To spread The Word about the coming End of Days.

The day the world comes to an end will not be marked with the hungry dead arisen and the legions of Hell walking the earth, but when mankind abandons the Divine Spark of Creativity.

The Four Horsemen already ride and spread their terrifying malice among the people. Their weapons are not made of stone and steel, but of words and will. And each of these Horsemen are tasked with eliminating the Divine Spark in their own ways.

The Horseman of War has enacted his mission in the real battlefields of this modern era: the courtrooms. His army of copyright lawyers have worked tirelessly to stop the well-established and ancient practice of building on what has come before and taking it to new heights as well as flat-out stifling anything entirely new that may have the tiniest of insignificant similarities to the works of whoever can pay them more money. 

Terrifyingly, he has taken his battle to the halls of our government and helped to bring forth a change in the law that would effectively allow any company the abhorrent ability to end our Creator given right to free speech. Now would be a good time to shit your pants, as soon you won't be legally allowed to because someone on the Sopranos did that once.

Pestilence aims to infect you with his disease-ridden from his mighty throne in the marketing departments Pestilence is the reason modern artistic endeavor strives entirely to become viral. 

He has been spelling it out right in front of you and you never stopped to take notice. 

Pestilence is the craftiest of the four, using his subtle touch to sway the consumer to obtain only "Horseman-Approved" products. His infectious touch is why you've never heard of the truly thought-provoking and Inspired work of those brave souls that also battle bravely against the machinations of the Riders. 

He is the reason Justin Bieber exists.

Famine is by far the most obvious of the riders. He is the one responsible for making the empty, Spark-deprived media. 

It's his job to make the exact same rom-com 35 times a year. 

It's his job to make the vapid pointless songs you've already heard 95,000 times. 

His main tools are remakes, sequels,and lazy writing. What I'm trying to say is he is a producer. His minions scour the world for easily digestible garbage for packaging to the masses. What he produces is completely without any kind of spiritually nutritive sustenance. 

Famine is quite literally starving you and you enable him to kill your soul by going to see the Smurfs.

Death is by far the most powerful of the Four and has manifested his power in the industry itself. 

It is through Death's demesne that the Divine Spark of Creativity is under a well-coordinated assault that threatens to break through and end the world. Death has the absolute power over the life and death of any and all creative endeavor. It is by Death's hand that only the creations of the Four Horsemen see the light of day, and the artistically uplifting is doomed to toil in obscurity. He sends the other riders to ensure this happens.

War will sue your ass for using 2 chords that kind of sound like a Micheal Jackson song when played at 3-times speed and in a different octave. Famine will raise a knock-off of you and Pestilence will call it the best and only song about being a drunken skank that will fuck anything that wanders into her hazy view.

The End of Days is upon us. Repent, ye mortals, and praise the works of True Inspiration. Seek ye not the tools of these devils that seek only to destroy our hearts, minds and souls. Venture forth and support those that create using the Divine Spark.

But enough preaching and proselytizing on this prose processor, I need to find my soapbox and take this message on the road. Getting out there is the only way to spread the word that the end is nigh.

[Author's Note: I deliberately used the outrageous biblical framing device to call attention to this very real, very scary problem. If you're offended in any way, this message wasn't meant for you anyways. Go back to watching American Idol, you frakking consumer.]

Jason Zebrowski is just a guy pretending to be a writer instead of being the janitor he was trained to be at his last job. His favorite activities are being sarcastic and never updating his own blog:

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