Cinema managers, your problems are solved.

Turn it off. Just turn the
f**king thing off.
Seems that it is a hard tide to fight against when it comes to reasonable behaviour in a cinema.

I like to be on time.
I like to watch the previews uninterrupted, including the ads, and that all conversation about said pre-entertainment kept to a reasonable volume. Reasonable volume suggests a level that is ONLY audible by the person sitting next to the individual from whom the pearls of wisdom are emanating from.

These "Can't wait until the end of the show" topics might include: The Chinese restaurant that's offering the after screening Dim-Sum deal or an upcoming se-pre-post-quel of a Sylvester Stallone franchise, or how Kate Winslett's head looks more like a foot with every passing year.

I like to have my potentially noisy bags checked for volume and if required, open and ready to divulge their artery clogging, cellulite encouraging, crinkly wrappered wonders upon my good person.

I have my phoned turned off by the time I leave concession stand.

Seems I'm in the minority now, so in the spirit of progress please find (below) a pro-forma letter to cinema managers that will resolve a few comfort issues for those unable to extricate themselves from their, like, really REALLY interesting and, like, awesome lives who's personal sound space is sooooo worth overhearing.

Among other things.


To the Cinema Manager
re: increasing profits by improving the movie going experience.

1a: Create a phone mount that attaches to rear of every headrest.
Cinema goers could then conveniently read their extraordinarily important texts regarding what is on for their social calendar for the next 3 hours, without danger of nacho salsa contamination of their technological iron lung.

In doing so you will negate the problem of the poor darlings having to crouch and squint in the reflective glow of their phones, leaving both hands free to eat, thus improving potential snack bar sales.

The glow emitted from the phones will be far more helpful for patrons to check that they haven't spilled anything in their lap. Rather than the annoying half obscured light they have to deal with now.

1b: Explore potential for a blue tooth unit that has the entire expected conversation vocab on a large button that cycles though pre-set text. This could operated by foot, the button could be mounted to the floor.
Macro's could include, but are not limited to:
  • Hi.
  • nuthin
  • nup
  • yup
  • At Movie
  • good
  • bad
  • meh
  • later?
  • sure
  • no way.
  • way.
  • Have you seen the latest statistics for the potential of global warming and how it's going to,like,fry our brains, or sumthin.
  • So's your face.
  • Can you run to the snack bar and get me more popcorn, I've just got my mobile hanging at the right height...

These are earth shattering insights, and it is obviously imperative that they need to be conveyed within the 2 hour period of a movie, your assistance with such a device will facilitate this. Please contact me if you need help with a working plan or steering committee.

1c: Insist that patrons increase the volume of their mobile (cell) phone to the the loudest possible setting. This ensures that the distortion level of the speaker is so great it adds to the inbuilt vibro-notification, while rendering the tune that is supposed to define the individual, and completely encapsulate who they are as a person and what they stand for, totally unrecognisable. Music randomly going off is annoying ... super loud buzzing though, perfectly acceptable.

2a: Encourage louder and more robust discussion about how each movie rates in relation to one that someone saw last week, or didn't see, or was told by someone who did/didn't see it. The last movie I went to had such opinions being made so quietly that only the adjoining 5 rows of patrons heard the thesis statement of the commentary, let alone the body of the argument - which lead to much confusion. This may also have something to do with your acoustics, perhaps they need remodelling.

2b: Don't let patrons limit themselves to the local audience, partaking of a protracted discussion with a 3rd party by phone is acceptable provided the acoustic aspect of the person speaking follow the guidelines set out in suggestion 2a. Of course if both parties are in the same theatre, then that resolves the problem of those not involved from only getting one side of the conversation.

3a: Let people know when they purchase tickets that they should not feel encumbered by the concept of time. If they decide to "discover" their seats 20 minutes in to the main feature, they needn't worry, participants involved in points 1a through 2b, if they have been successfully empowered to do so, will assist in informing the late arrivals of everything that they have missed. In addition, anecdotal information about previous movies in the franchise (if applicable) should be encouraged.

3b: Make sure that late comers have seats in the middle of rows, and that they stand on at least 3 different feet in their effort to get to their seats.
I was only stood on twice in my last visit, and my wife 3 times. I think I am being discriminated against, or that my wife was being flirted with.

4: Keep up the good work with the whole nacho thing. They look tasty and will encourage more generous seating sizes as time marches on.

Thank you for taking the time to read my few suggestions, if I, or any visitors to my site come up with more I'll be sure to let you know.

Kindest regards,

for and on behalf of

Andrew Webber is an Australian author living in the Middle East, his first book "Erasure" was released in June 2012 to critical acclaim. Available in Kindle and paperback on

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